Oh hey blog,

I'm cheating on you with tumblr. Sorry.

Summer days, wine, and gropage.

Summer days are my life now. No school, no work, very little money and Christmas approaching. It's all about socialising in the sun, with food and wine, and less appreciated, gropage. So far I've had nights of poetry, days at splash planet and in my garden, epic movie nights, and social pub trips. I'm sure there are many more of these days and nights to come. However there will be more blog abuse, because I simply don't know what to say here. I've had enough of using the blog to organise feelings or have an angry rant, and I don't think I have anything else to say. This is post 98. I will make posts 99 and 100, hopefully the 100th will be on Christmas day. Then when the new year rolls in I am going to see if I can revamp this and give it a new direction.

Slowing Down

Well, blog. I've abused you for about a month. Mostly because I feel like I never write anything worthwhile here, and I should write just for the sake of it.
I'm feeling at a strange point of the road. I feel unsettled here. Nothing feels purposeful, because my time in HB will be over in a few months. It's like this chapter of my life is closing, and I'm struggling to push through the last few pages. The main part of that being exams. I need to get through those, and pass well. Then christmas and new year. Hopefully my trip to england. Then only two weeks back in HB until the move on to university and a whole new place.
Everything feels out of place here. I hope I can feel settled again for the next few months, because feeling like this for too long could be damaging.

Burns and Bruises

He's not exactly a romantic, but has been known to say cute things.

That's what I had to say about D when a friend was asking about him. I think it is quite fitting. I'll take it, anyway.

So really the title of this one is a bit superficial. I burnt myself a few times past couple of days, most significantly scolding my fingers at work. And also have a bruise from Scott practically throwing a milk crate at me. This doesn't really bother me too much.

Really things are pretty decent right now. I have two weeks off to gather things back together. I can get my room cleared out, get some study done, catch up with some friends, and generally clear the head. I've been having fun, keeping up with 30DHS and spending time with D. All good stuff.

Tomorrow I get some quality mum time. We are going to Napier shopping to get out of the house after it gets fly treatment sprayed on it. Should find some cool things courtesy of mum's wallet and save my money for quality trips such as Burger Fuel and Ocean Spa with the girls, and the pubs on saturday.

I'm terrified.

Today it really hit me... just how scared I am to be hurt again. I don't want to distrust D, but it is so hard to trust when I've been betrayed so much before. My fear really sparked when he mentioned that this girl, J, was texting him, upset that he didn't go see her on saturday. Saturday was the second time he bailed on seeing her, because he changed his plans to see me instead. Twice he chose me over her, so why should I worry? I probably shouldn't... but I am so scared. I practically feel sick. What if he changes his mind, decides he is interested in her? Then what about me... left to cry away the pain again. He told me that she was texting him though. Does that mean I'm safe? If he was going to go after her, he wouldn't mention her to me, would he? I feel awful. I want to trust him but I can't help but wonder, what's he doing right now?
I don't want to be hurt again. Please let him not hurt me.

Too tired.

I'm tired and miserable right now. Of course I've been having a great time. I've had great luck and I had a wonderful birthday. And then there's D. I've been having such a nice time talking to him and getting to know him. However he's been keeping me up too late and I think there is my problem. That means I'm tired which means I'm becoming grouchy. So the second he teases me over something, well anything else wouldn't have bothered me, but is was the veg thing so it really did bother me. Seems he really has something against vegetarians. But I'll try to stay positive on that factor. If I can show him that we aren't strange and scary and that we don't eat gross food then maybe he will open his mind to vegetarians and avoid offending someone less patient than me. It's a bit confusing that he has something generally against veg*ns but I reckon it's just ignorance and I'm not going to let it bother me. And I'm not going to bother talking to him about it. I'm just going to be the positive image.
Bring on big wednesday results. Maybe my luck will continue.

Where's the cat when you need him?

I have had enough of people. I want to avoid people. That won't happen, but oh it is a lovely thought.
There are certainly too many people in my house, hence I'm in my room with the door locked. I wish the house was empty. Entirely. Parents out and all. But no, they have to have everyone here tonight.
Wellington was great. Really great. I am looking forward to university. I want to be there. I know I'll be broke, but that's ok. I can do it, and I will.
I loved both plays we saw there, particularly Marat/Sade at Toi Whakaari. They both had bath tubs in them, but there the similarities ended. Both amazing though.
Then... people. People that seem offended by ridiculous things. I talk about another guy to my male friend, he very soon says, "ok right I'm off bye." Just the kind of thing he'd do. Jealous sort. But he has a girlfriend, so I want to slap him for that reaction.
Another situation, I think I need team veg for. http://www.milkmyths.org.uk/health/index.php Just saying. More gems for STOS. More corperate brainwashing. More idiocy. More vegan zombies.
And the final thing... when you know someone has extremely reduced the dairy they consume, especially cheese, and you cook a dish specifically for that person, why would you put cheese in it? Sorry mum, I'm not eating that. Even the smell of the cheese is off putting, and there's fruit in the house that I'd much rather eat.
There's the rant. I do apologise that it's all I use this blog for these days, but why are people so stupid?

More Ranting.

I need to clear my head. Ignore my ramblings now.
I'm tired and confused and my knee hurts. I think I am stressing too much about the boy thing. We'll just go with D for simplicity. I'm pretty sure he'll turn out to be an utter dick. I have the feeling that if I persue this it will go wrong. But also I could be totally wrong, it could be worth a try. Or I could be worrying for nothing because he may not even be interested. I've been on msn to him, and I think we are both a bit tired and grouchy but I don't think the conversation has gone brilliantly. I'm annoyed about that.
And I'm super annoyed at Max. He is pulling dick moves again. I can't believe it. I am pissed off.
In the midst of all this is MM. He's pissed off over issues of his own, sure. But even with that, right when I most needed to hear something nice from someone, he reminded me I am one of his closest friends, and told me to not forget that. Thank everything for people like him.
I am so lost about everything. I can't wait for Wellington. I need all the chances I can to get away.

ETA: Mood swing, I feel much better now, like 2 minutes later...

Rant against Humanity.

Today I dressed up as Lara Croft and shot at people with a toy gun. This was fun, however I am sometimes pushed to the point where I wish the gun was real, and I had a line up of my most hated people.
This evening my outrage was at something on the news. A farm breeding pheasants, then releasing them into a park. The purpose of these pheasants? To be shot. The law here means that only the hunter can eat them. They can not be sold or given away. People were saying what a shame it was that they can't sell them and so many birds are just shot and left. How about you stop shooting the birds then? It is that fucking simple. How can anyone find killing something fun? It's barbaric. These people must be suffering from some sort of retardation or psychosis if they enjoy shooting a helpless bird.
Something that stunned me before was something that happened in drama. Walt throwing lollies at the class. This practically turned them savage as they chased the lollies attempting to get them before someone else did. It made me think of the Kiwi concept, lolly scrambles. Whilst most of the time we teach our young to share, not to snatch, and all that jazz... a lolly scramble is an occassion where the opposite is encouraged. Thinking about this baffled me. It's amazing, the little things that make people revert back to savage behaviours, when people seem to pride themselves on being civilised. People are disgusting.
In other news my cat spent a night at the vet. He's home now, with a new diet to try and prevent the same thing happening again. But he's off doing something and he's usually back for dinner by now. He does sometimes bugger off for a while, but it's a bit worrying when he's been ill. Hopefully he turns up soon.
So there you go. I hate humanity. I love my cat. Such is life.

Return To Walton's World

Year 13 Drama Trip. An event which was certainly looked forward to.

Fun. Valuable. Exhausting.

Of course it was fun. We had many good laughs. Playing KFM and Would You Rather in the girls' dorm was good fun. Shopping was great fun.
It was valuable seeing the shows. I enjoyed both of them. The acting was pretty high quality and they both had interesting ideas. I think if the right questions come up in the exam they'll be great for writing about. The most valuable part of the trip however was the visit to Toi. I was so tempted to apply this year, but didn't want to miss out on doing English. Going to Toi confirmed to me that it would be an amazing experience, but also that the experience can wait til after I experience university. I'll be 21 when I start there that way, and that isn't a bad age to be starting at Toi.
It was exhausting because we spent two very long days, and the third day although not long it was travelling and that is tiring in itself.
Now I am on sheep watching duty because one of the old girls, Rosie, is seeming pretty ill. We have had to help her up a couple of times. Possibly pneumonia. Not sure she'll make it through the night really. It's sad because you can tell she's trying really hard to keep going but she's just so weak. Poor girl.

One of Those Days

Say goodbye, to the world you thought you lived in.

Today I got punched in the head (by a friend, it was an accident). Now I have a headache. I feel pretty crap. I think HaBYT will have to be given a miss tonight. I just don't feel up to it.
Apparently I also got called a slut. Fucking whoopee. 
I should get homework done, but all I really want to do is lay down and sleep/ponder how crap humanity is.
What a crap day. English + lunchtime were the good parts. Besides that, shit.

Slob and Bruises

I don't feel like there's a creative bone in my body right now, so who knows why I'm writing. But anyway.
The skiing part of going skiing wasn't so great, since the snow was a bit thin so it was rocky, and it is school holiday so it was too busy. The being out of Hawke's Bay was good though. I definitely look forward to Wellington in August.
Eye candy was definitely good on the slopes. That was fun. Haha. What a laugh.
This is such a total rut. I need to get my work done for school. I only really have sunday left for that though. That's such a bloody shame because there is a lot of it to do.
Another positive is at some point next week I am so going for a facial next week. My work mate gave me a 50% of voucher to a beauty salon so I figure I might try out that luxury.
Another negative is my jerky friend in Aus. He's not talking to me. Which I don't quite understand because it surely should be the other way around. I'm always too nice to him. He's frequently a total dick. So I should be not talking to him. But, you know. I flick between happily chatting with him, angrily grilling him, icily ignoring him and unreasonably ending up talking to him again. Loop goes on. Seems to work for us.
MM is a half positive. He's totally an awesome friend. The half negative is that he is in Chch.
A major positive is I have spent most of the past two days on the couch watching Outrageous Fortune season 5 on DVD. It has been the nicest slobby experience. Aside from that I did go for a walk with Bianca yesterday so the slobbing has been balanced out.
I have to work tomorrow. Not a happy thought but I do need the money so positive face on for that one. A negative on that front though is I managed to roll my ankle an hour or so ago and it really hurts. In the process of falling as my ankle rolled I bashed my knee on the coffee table, so have a nice bruise there. I am sure that will be fun and painful at work.
For feeling uncreative, I think this is a good long post.

This Ain't A Love Song

I love love love that song right now.

And I'm a little bit lost without you,
And I'm a bloody big mess inside,
And I'm a little bit lost without you,
This ain't a love song,
This is goodbye.


I'm still suffering from goodbyes and being stuck in this dump. And being under 18. I just want to get out tonight, but don't think anyone's doing anything other than pub. So not only am I stuck in this wee town, I'm stuck home with nothing to do on a saturday night. So iPod on and seclude myself.
I hate this. I consciously know things are good, but I still don't feel happy. All I am looking forward to is skiing next week, Wellington in August, England in Dec/Jan, Wellington next year... see a theme here? Not in H.B. I am so over this place. I'm not sure what's keeping me sane.

Whole Lot Of Leaving Going On

What is this goodbye crap? They say the world is a smaller place these days, but as I am stuck in Hawkes Bay the world feels huge. And here I am. Stuck here. I need to get out. I feel so trapped here... and everyone seems to be drifting away.
Julia, then Connor, then Elles... all pretty sad goodbyes. And I won't see them until the end of the year, fingers crossed I see them then... Yet, sad as those goodbyes were. The goodbye just now was harder... and he's only going to the bloody south island. It's just... he was only here for three weeks, and it feels like I barely saw him in that time. I saw him so much last time he was back so it was really great. This time was shitty.
I better go skiing next week, or I'll go totally mental. I can't stand to stay here without at least a little break, and the mountains will be the perfect getaway. I am so over HB right now.

Just a few words.

It has been a funny time lately. What with parents being away, and everyone leaving. It's really strange. Really just one last goodbye to go with Elles on wednesday. Other than that sad occassion I hope I will have a really good holiday. Though, I already picked up two extra shifts at work, and have to do my drama and food work... hopefully I will feel like I've had some kind of break. I had such a good time on our girls day out yesterday. More days like that would make a brilliant holiday.

Better Start Saving, Girl

 Things in life do often seem backwards, and sometimes that can be hard to get your head around. One of those things just came up. I mention my pending trip to the UK at the end of this year and get told I shouldn't be trying to set something like that in stone as there may not be the money for it. Well, it is set in stone already. On a personal level, I have to go. I've got to go home before moving on to uni. I miss it so much there's no way I can push a trip back even further away. So, whether they want to put any money towards the trip or not, I'm going. If I have to pay for the whole thing myself, I will.
So, to the point of the backwards bit. When I ask for money to help me I get told not to count on it. When I tell them to stop paying for things they keep paying for more. Particularly Sydney trip. I asked them to pay for my flights, but was going to pay for everything else myself. All I ended up paying for was my shopping. Again for England, I'm only asking them to pay for the flight, but apparently even that could be too much.
I know I shouldn't expect them to pay for anything, but it is hard not to, considering the amount they have paid for my brother, and the fact he doesn't do anything to deserve it. Even when he has money of his own he spends it on junk and things like an xBox which makes me want to smash said xBox over his head. So he's shit broke and has to pay 70 pounds rent a week as well as buying food, so you don't need three guesses to figure it's the parents paying for that. They paid for him to fly back to England. They paid for EIT courses which he never even completed.
Not wanting to blow my own horn, but I on the other hand, am completing highschool (more than he did), whilst holding a job and building up reasonable savings, rather than spending money I don't have on stupid things like an xBox. I feel like a horrible person for even being upset that I may not get that flight paid for, but when I look at the bigger picture and see how my brother is I feel like a damn saint.
Anyway, time to grin and bear it. I'll just have to tighten the wallet a bit more and probably end up as an even poorer uni student than I initially anticiapted next year.
Today has been a bit crappy anyway. I suppose it was coming after having such a good week until today.

Sometimes I wonder

Today was a bit of a day of good deeds for a friend and I. Unfortunately it was his good deed that lead to the need for my good deed. Yes, Vicky, Henry ran out of petrol, 3km from the village. So I got a text when I'm sitting in english, about to leave for a photo, saying can I please pick him up. So after the photo I did pick him up. Leant him $10 to put some fuel in his car, then it wouldn't start anyway so he went with the call AA option. Silly Henry. So I do wonder why he bothered being nice to you in the first place Vicky. Should have hugged you, then told you to harden up. :P Oh, and, I hope you're feeling better. Now, let's move on from this post sounding like a letter to Vicky.
I also wonder... well. I have a friend who's not in the best place, so I do try to be very nice to him and not criticise... but really. Today I ask on MSN, "How are you?" and he was annoyed. Why? WoW had some sort of glitch that messed up his add-ons. I just can't fathom that. A life revolving round an online game? Very sad. But of course I'm not about to have a go at him about it because I really don't want to make him feel worse. He really needs to feel good enough to go out and do something real. I hope it happens soon.
Other than that, another good day. Things are happy happy right now. =]

Life is good today.

Today has been so absolutely lovely. It wasn't perfect. It was far from it. It was just so... balanced. Not one of those days where something good is totally forgotten because something else went so horribly wrong. A day where I can see what was good and what was bad, and feel good at the end of it all.
I got up and went to school. NZ draw with Italy. Very happy. Stats was boring and I didn't do a lot. I balanced that in study by getting my english homework done and feeling satisfied that was out of the way, and I still had a little time left to relax in the sun.
Then food wasn't quite as planned. No available computer rooms, so after about 15 minutes I had intended to spend in the food room I was left with very little to do. Drama also relatively non-productive, but not bad.
Then at lunchtime I was slightly disappointed that Uta couldn't meet us, but that was easily made up for by the lunch being nice, spent with just a couple of friends. A bit of relaxing. Then back to school. English, which is good right now because I am enjoying reading The Islands of Silence.
After school it's off to hang out with Ob. and James, since I'm kind and it's James's birthday. We meet up with Ob. and go to town. I bought cream for my cold sore, the most ongoing downside of today. We went and played pool, had drinks at Breakers. I chat with SG which was nice. Text Uta and it took a long time happening. It was a painful wait. But he finally made it to meet us. Then the best hug ever commenced. I had to share the hug, but it was the most wonderful moment still.
Then sad moment, James and I leave for rehearsal. Fastforward through Walton's World and annoying rehearsal, to leaving rehearsal half an hour early. I sit in the car for ten minutes texting trying to arrange meeting Ob. and Uta again. Success, so I drove to Ob.'s We have a huge talk about Shakespeare and HaBYT. Then Uta arrives and we have these huge deep maybe mildly disurbing from the outside discussions. And that was such a highlight. The things we share are so crazy and it's so comfortable talking to eachother. We're all so close and it's so brilliant to have friends that talk to you like that, and you can talk to like that. Then Uta says, "Oh who gave you that necklace?" I tell him, "Oh I dunno, some wanker." then realise it had cracked again and broken worse than before. He said, "Well if some wanker gave it to you at least you don't need to feel bad about breaking it." Promised I was finding the super glue the moment I got home. I treasure that necklace, like I treasure the friendship.
Then it's 9.30 and they go to pick up James and I go home. Driving home first I see a hedgehog, and I brake, and swerve round it. A little further along there's a rabbit in the road. He was a big handsome bunny. I stopped. He seemed confused by the headlights and hopped back and forth in front of the car a few times before getting out of the road. Nearer home I see a hedgehog sized shape ahead so slow down, and drive around it, only to see the other side is bloody. The hedgehog was already dead. That was rather sad. Then driving along my road I looked up, and saw a fabulous shooting star. It was like a wonderful seal to this day. Today was not spectacular, but it feels significant. I learnt things today. I was reminded of things today. Life is good today.

Please ignore the next few lines...

because they're directed at you.

"Is something stressing you out?"
"Yes, you."

Or at least, that's what I wanted to say. But even I know sometimes it is the time to bite your tongue, and instead say, "No, I'm just at the sick of this play stage." Lots of plays have that stage. Even the plays you end up loving the most, you hated them for a while.

With this play, it's a pretty glorious hate stage. Or should I say with this director?
"You have to be able to work with various directors."
Daniel, Alan, Ken, Kelly, Claire, even Vicky. You don't seem to see, the problem is you.

I said to him, "Just one thing.. when you say you won't interrupt the scene this time... Don't." Please say he listens.

Because I'm just a little girl you see,
But there's a hell of a lot more to me,
Don't ever underestimate what I can do,
Don't ever tell me how I'm meant to be.

Sometime's I feel you're not listening.

The teacher driving me insane aside, one other irritating people mini rant. Currently I have a friend, who as a rule seems to like me a lot and be very nice. But yesterday he was untalkative. I asked why. He told me to leave him alone and not talk to him, because he doesn't like me.
Say what?
But no. He has no explanation for this out of the blue hatred. I can happily say goodbye and move on. I just wonder why.

Watch out world. I won't just be a voice in the crowd.

The Ups and The Downs.

Well lately things have been up and down. There have been severe lows. The being really sick lows, and the being really sad lows. The coughing keeping you up til early hours of the morning. The crying keeping you up til early hours of the morning. Feeling so sick and weak you can't stay standing. Feeling so helpless and depressed you can't stay standing.
But we know things go in cycles and waves. What hits rock bottom always climbs back up. There have been highs. There has been knitting and watching Mary Poppins. There has been dancing, partying and beer pong. Which was sure a fantastic night. There has been rain, but now there is sun. Figuratively and literally.
Parents get back next week. I look forward to spending a bit of time with them, before they set off again, for Sydney. Lucky buggers. I just have Wellington to look forward to. Twice. =]

Thoughts.

Today I've had a few thoughts. To start with, how superficial and shallow people are. How dishonest people are. And I know I'm guilty of this too. Among my friends there are of course those people that not everyone likes. Those people don't know how disliked they are. Why don't they know? Because the people that don't like them are so dishonest that they act nice to their faces, but the minute the person they don't like is out of the way, they complain about all those things they don't like. One of the disliked people is actually someone I don't particularly like myself, and I have actually been quite direct with her on occassion. I've told her when she's doing something that pisses everyone else off. No one else seems so straight up though. They tolerate when she's around, and avoid when they can. Another is actually a friend of mine. Sure he annoys me sometimes, but I don't see why a few of my friends dislike him so much. They go out of their way to avoid him. Here's where I'm guilty... Even though I have nothing against him, I've just gone with the flow in avoiding him. Today I realised I should probably speak my mind a bit more on these occassions, and maybe even ask what it is they find offensive about him.
Another thought... How forgetful I am. This is actually a thought I just had, as I can't remember all the other deep and meaningful things I was going to say. So I'll just say Ugly Betty is awesome tonight. I want to be Betty, cos Betty is scoring the cute guy.

I had a bad day.

Today was not my day. I just kept forgetting things. And now I'm scared to do anything because everything I touch seems to end up damaged today. And I need to make a fire because it's cold, might burn the house down. Need to iron my work clothes, might burn right through them. Need to cook dinner, will probably drop it once it's made, make a huge mess and end up hungry and in tears.
Yeah. Not positive right now. Maybe I should just sit still and be cold and hungry. It lowers the risk of ending up worse off in the long run.

Generic Moan

I just looked in the mirror, and I was surprised. Surprised to see myself there, looking pulled together, composed, and healthy. I feel so ill. I can't believe I look ok. I'm stressed. I've never had to do this before. Today I drove myself to town, and I did my own food shopping. That's new. And that's ok. I like the fact that I can buy the things I want, and nothing else. Today I did my own laundry. And that's ok. I know how to do it, and I don't mind doing it. It's just that it's all new. I think it's a good experience. It will give me some idea of what it will be like moving out.
Just looking in the mirror, seeing myself looking better than I feel... no wonder I'm good at acting like everything's ok. Honestly, when I said goodbye to my parents, knowing I wouldn't see them for a month, I cried. I had been looking forward to having the month to myself. A bit of a break. But then right on the day I just realised I'm going to miss them. And what break? I'm one person, and this is a five bedroom house. Feeding the cat I can deal with. But I am sure not looking forward to the part where I have to keep the house clean.
Anyway now I feel like I'm whinging about nothing, because of course my life is actually pretty cruisey. I just need to shake off this cold and keep going. I just wish it would go away quick enough for me to party tomorrow night. Chances of that feel small right now.

I hope you get your dreams.

I'm sorry I can't be perfect.

Do you ever get to the point when it all just seems too much? The moment when you just want to break down and cry. 

I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you.
But you don't understand. 

I know it's not too much. I have enough time for what I want to do. I just can't get my head around it. It's an organisation malfunction. Everything is a mess. I know what I have to do, I just need to lay out what to do next.
I know I should be doing drama right now actually. I just don't want to face drama when every night since sunday has been performing. I don't have any other time for it though, since all weekend is taken up. 
Next week should be a lot less hectic, but next week also is the beginning of my month alone. Alone, for want of a better word. I won't be alone, there will be people around, but I will certainly have a whole lot more responsibility, and I think that's going to be very sudden. I know I can look after myself. I know what I need to get done. Just all of a sudden have a big house that three of us usually look after being all my responsibility could be harder than I think. I do have quite the horrible image of my parents arriving home to find I haven't hoovered in the whole month, but that will only be if I seriously don't have the time to clean the house. Which I totally will. Think positive right? 
I should just pull myself together, and probably write down what needs doing, then do it.

And after work tomorrow, I think this song can sum up how the weekend should be.

Maybe sometimes, we've got it wrong but it's alright
The more things seem to change,
The more they stay the same,
Ohh don't you hesitate.
Girl, put your records on,
Tell me your favourite song,
Girl go ahead let your hair down.

Wow... I don't even want to read this post over and hear myself crapping on.

Two and a half staff.

Title sums up today at work. We started out with four of us there, then one went home sick. That left me, my supervisor and the other saturday girl who is that half, as she's so useless at the job she doesn't really help. She's a nice person, but I wish I did not have to work with her. That made it a pretty long day for supervisor and I as we were both taking on a double workload. But we got through it, with plenty of laughs. I love how the two of us can do that. We have been working very well together lately. It doesn't matter what the other staff are up to, we can overlook that and keep our own little team going. I think we kept each other sane today really. So despite all the downfalls work was not bad today.
After work I didn't have long before going out again to celebrate a friend's birthday. She's a non-drinker so it was more of dinner and movie with a group of friends at her house thing. I would have been up for the raging party, but I did have a great night. We ate lots and played games and watched Austin powers. Totally good fun. And I got to hang out with a friend who never hangs out with me anymore, and also a friend I never get to see since he left school, so it was fantastic.
That leaves tomorrow full of rehearsals in the afternoon, so the morning will have to involve homework. Briiing it on.

Find Some Time

Right now I feel as though life is about to get hectic again. Next week I'm busy almost every night. I just know I'll be exhausted by next sunday, then have to launch myself more fully into school and scholarship work as HaBYT will be behind me so I won't have that taking up time I don't really have.
And with the matter of time I don't have, it's more time I have but by the time I have it I'm too worn out to do anything productive. So another thing I want to time and energy for... exercise. I'm honest about a lot in my blog, but I do leave some things out. I leave my most private thoughts, well, private. They stay in my head. But I don't think I've ever honestly said how much I hate the fact I'm unfit. I've definitely gained weight recently and I hate it. Somedays I feel comfortable and happy with my body, but other days, like today, I hate it. I also hate people who don't do anything about their problems, so, I'm going to. I eat junk food too much, and don't exercise enough. Time to turn the tables. As soon as I have the time and energy to go for a run.

Just another rant.

Dad's favourite game: pissing people off.
Level: becoming Kiwi.
Overview: chose something to make comments about which is likely to annoy someone at each level.
So, level becoming Kiwi is making comments about taking classes or having operations to make you Kiwi. It's a bit of an ongoing joke in the family that Kiwis tend to be a bit slow on the uptake with jokes and the such. So dad seems to think it's a good idea to tell me things like it's a shame I'm not going back to England for a month with them, as I need to get my brain back up to speed. Then he stands there like he expects me to answer him, so perhaps if anyone has had the op, it is him.
No offense Kiwis. We are joking. It's just a few dimwitted folk here giving the rest of you a bad name, we know that.

In other news, I made a hair appointment. I'm getting a full head of foils, blonde. I've been wanting that for quite a while so I'm looking forward to it. Then, after the ball, I'm seriously considering putting purple underneath. Maybe just a wash out, but if I really like it I'll get a long lasting one in. Bring on new hair.

A Nothing Time

I feel very uncreative. I wouldn't mind killing some time writing a poem or two. But I just can't face it. I just have the feeling anything I write right now will not be worth writing at all. I feel pretty unsure in general really. I'm split between lots of feelings, and somehow in my mind right now it all boils down to nothing. I'm really looking forward to next year, but also a little scared as I don't quite know how I'll manage. I know it's going to cost a lot for uni and accomodation, and I'll want to do things like go to the theatre on top of that. I can't imagine how I'll be able to afford it. Especially since I want my time back in England over summer, which means foregoing the summer job. Surely it will all work out though. But not without me figuring out how. And right now I don't want to do that. I don't want to do the school work that I need to, to get the grades and make sure I get to do what I want next year. I don't want to do anything. It's just one of those nothing feelings. A nothing evening. I think I'll let it stay that way. Just chat on msn, maybe phone a friend, and worry about school, internals, money, next year... tomorrow.

Don't you hate it when...

Don't you hate it when, you try to tell someone something because you think it's fair for them to know and it might change their mind about something because of it, and then it just turns into a weird kind of argument, with them getting defensive and acting as though you're just trying to ruin things? Ok... so maybe that's not an everyday "don't you hte it when..." situation. But it happened, and it's really stupid. I tried to tell a girl some things about a guy she likes. I don't think he should be dating anyone because of particular things. Not now, something needs to change before he's relationship material. She got really defensive and was all, "But I do like him! And I don't care!" And now I think she's mad at me, which is sad since I do get on with her. I really hope she moves on from this guy first. She doesn't need to be another in his line of stupid weird relationships that shouldn't have ever started.
There's angry rant one done. How about another?
Don't you hate it when, someone is basically obsessed with you, but you get on with them as a friend so you still hang out and party together... And you just have to keep on making them back off a bit, keep distance when sitting next to each other or dancing... And then because there aren't huge numbers of beds three people, including you and this obsessed guy, end up in a double bed together. So I made sure my other friend was inbetween us, because I'm utterly comfortable around him. But then Obsessoman keeps doing things like putting his arm across my friend so he's touching me. I kept pushing him off of me but he just wouldn't get the picture, so I was all, "Can you keep your hands back? They're kinda annoying there." And I think he was pretty cut by that but still didn't really get the message. He is so pushy. For ages it's all fine, and he won't be bothering me. Then there will be a night like that one and I feel gross and kind of how I would if I were being stalked and I just want to get away from him and not see him. And yes, he's the one I tried to warn the poor girl in the story above about. Don't you all agree, he should not be dating anyone, until he loses that Obsessoman suit.

What do I do now?

With NYDS finished for another year, I'm left to occupy myself for this week. Of course I have much that needs doing, but I think I'll allow myself a couple more hours to relax before looking into that. I need to sort out my drama audition and get on with the eco internal. After that I can be more relaxed on work and just catch up on some stats. Another plan is a clear out of my room and putting things I don't want anymore on trade me. Maybe I'll get it all done this week. Maybe not. I just don't quite know how much I want to bother doing.
It's a shame NYDS is over, though I do need the break. I am going to miss everyone so much, but for now I'm alright. I think once I'm over how exhausting the week was I'll get on to missing the whole thing a bit more. But for now, rest.

The Little Irritations in Life

Now I realise why it is that I usually sit and watch TV in this room, the smaller less comfy room, smaller TV... It's because usually I have the room to myself. No dad. No brother. Now I realise why I don't watch TV with my father. He's almost unbearably irritating. He makes stupid comments about the movie. Very annoying. And my brother coming in is possibly more irritating. He makes stupid comments about anything and everything, not just what I'm trying to watch on the TV. But I do love Bridget Jones. So rant over, back to movie.

That Candlelit Feeling

Electric lights back on, another earth hour passed. I passed the time playing scrabble with mum. I won. =)
Candlelight always ends up leaving a calm feeling behind. This evening has been calm really. I've gone at my own pace, done things that I chose to do. Of course that means tomorrow is all homework that has to be done. I really have to finish my drama portfolio. Then the process starts all over again for the next assessment. Next year will be breaking the cycle, and I will be so ready for that change.

Making It

Do you think we could have made it, or will we make it on our own?
It would have been three months today. Realising that made me feel a little lonely, but in general I am so fantastically over it. That relationship was only causing me to be stressed and upset for the last two weeks of it. I'm glad that's all over. I've been so busy lately I haven't noticed the drop in stress, but I just know it's a big thing off my shoulders. I don't need it. I think relationships need to be on hold until I'm well settled in uni next year. That's not to say I'm entirely opposed to a relationship before next year. If someone nice asks, I won't say no. But I'm certainly not looking. This year at least, I'm making it on my own. By on my own, I mean with my fantastic friends.
Can't wait for a break.

There's not a lot to say...

I feel like I ought to update. There's not much to say though. It's been the same old things. I've been busy. It's kind of stressful, but I'll cope. I'm a little behind on things. Nothing ever seems to be done. I'm really looking forward to the holidays. NYDS will be awesome fun, but exhaust me. And then the second week is time to relax and catch up on everything that I've let slip.
Sheilah Winn is tomorrow. So is NCEA drama assessment. And a stats test. Everything coming at me all at once. I'm confident I can handle with the sheilah winn. I think I have my lines sorted for the drama assessment. I'm not 100% confident about it, but I should get by ok. Sunday will be dedicated to catching up on the drama portfolio, as sadly that can't be left until that second week of the holidays.
So now I better go to sleep, since I am so exhausted and tomorrow will definitely just kill me a little more.
As an after thought, I think I can safely say I'm over Sam. Any feeling towards him now is down to the occassional burst of anger.

How do we answer all the questions?

Do I miss him, or do I miss being in a relationship?
Do I miss the people that came with him more than I miss him?
Am I sad to have lost him, or sad to have lost my date for the ball?
Do I need to think about it, or do I just need time?
I think I do miss him a bit, but that will pass. And I probably do miss being in a relationship too, but there are loads of positives to being single. Being single gives me extra time. Time for friends, homework, schol. classes, and learning lines.
I definitely miss the people that came with him, but not more than him. His dad loves me and he's really fun, and his sisters are cool, so I'll miss the whole "family package" thing. And his friends are really awesome, but hopefully once we get past the awkward stage and into being friends I'll be able to see them again.
I'm definitely pissed that I now do not have a date for the ball. But I can hardly blame him for that. I'll just have to ask someone as a friend. Or hope someone asks me, though I don't really see that happening.
There, I've done enough thinking, now I can give it time.
Today I got class homework done, but that leaves schol. homework to do. It's a start at least. I also went to see Alice In Wonderland, and that was great. I really liked it. The chesire cat looks really awesome in it, along with lots of other cool things. I love love love Alice's dresses. I want them. That is all.

The End of a Chapter

All I want is for you to be happy,
And take this woman and make you my family,
And finally you have found someone perfect,
And finally you have found yourself.

I was right. All that worrying and wondering was not for nothing. It’s over. DBF came over last night. I knew why. He didn’t count on me already having Max round though, so it was just awkward hanging out for a while, until they decided to leave. Max left first so he should have said it then, but he chickened out. He told me he’d go on MSN when he was home, and he told me then. I told him I knew, and that I agree with him. There’s no energy between us anymore. And so DBF is not DBF anymore. We are going to stay friends, after a few weeks, to let the relationship leave properly.

I feel strange. I’m not really feeling very sad. I haven’t cried. I just feel like something’s missing now. Like I have to get used to this different way of living again, slip back into a single life. I’m a little angry, though I don’t see why. We both knew it would be stupid to hang on any longer. But I feel blank. I feel like I have nothing to do, and have no purpose. Which is stupid because I was never head over heels for him anyway. I liked him, but that was it. I didn’t depend on him for anything and I have lots to do too, and lots to work towards. Just that involves getting stuck into homework and I tried that and couldn’t focus for very long. I just can’t stop thinking about him, about how I feel about this.

I think I just need a little time to adjust really. It’s just a different feeling. Usually a break up means some strong feelings. I’ve had empowered, finally being free. I’ve had utter devastation and constant crying. But this barely feeling a thing is strange. I want to throw myself into working, but like I said, I can’t focus, so that doesn’t help.

The most I can do for now is start something new, to make up for losing something old, so to speak. All I can think of is to freshen up my blog. So bring on the new look.

Life In Stupid Human Behaviour

I hate how unaccomodating people can be. I had been enjoying a quiet evening, since all the family were out. Then not ten minutes after my parents arive home my dad had to do his obnoxious superiority thing. He's a fan of that. He turns on the TV, and puts some thing on and whoever's show it was says something about being told he wouldn't be able to be wherever he was without knowing the traditional method of slaughtering a sheep. As if that wasn't barbaric and disgusting enough, it then cuts to the sheep, and them taking one in a wheelbarrow, obviously about to teach whoever it was the slaughter method. I say, "Dad, can you turn it over?" and he doesn't even acknowledge I've said something. So I said louder, "Dad, turn it over." And oh, that got me noticed. He snapped at me not to speak to him like that and it's his telly and he'll change it if he wants to and whatever other crap he said. Of course all that was far ruder than I could have possibly come across asking for the channel to be changed... so, rather offended I got up and left. Then, as I walk down the hallway, I hear the channel change, so why could he not just accept my initial question and change it in the first place?
Vent over... More updates. After all my stupid worrying about my relationship I did what I should have done to start with. I told him about it. And he said he knows he hasn't been texting enough, he's sorry he's been busy, and he will make an effort to text more... and every day since I mentioned it he has texted. However next problem is that it's his birthday in four days and I have no clue what to get him and I'm not even sure if I'm going to make it to town to buy something. D=
More stupid human behaviour came from my supervisor at work today. He was apparently in a bad mood and apparently that means he can take it out on me. When I screw up an order or break something I can understand him being pissed at me... but when I am not only doing all my jobs but also teaching and helping a new girl with her jobs, and still managing to get everything done right, I don't think I should be the target for that. He has different ideas though as even when I wasn't the person to do a job I was the one being told about it being half-arsed or not good enough. It would have only made it worse to tell him he was being a jerk today, so hopefully he'll be in good enough a mood that I can do so next week. The least I can get for having such a shit day today is the pleasure of telling him, "You were a jerk for no reason, yes, you should now feel bad."

Life In Lies

This morning I woke up feeling positive and refreshed. Despite being at work, I felt good. I was happy, back to myself. But as the day drew on my mood plummeted. Feels a lot like I've been putting on a face. Acting like I'm ok, when I'm really not. It's like I should be wanting to do all I can, not wanting days to end, but all week I've just looked forward to going back to sleep. Escaping. Not having to think. About anything. Sadly that means I've been getting more than enough sleep so now I'm simply not tired. I can't sleep, although I have work in the morning and I. Do. No. Want. To. Think.
Tough shit. I have to. There's no point avoiding it, but who wants to face the fact that they aren't happy? Even though I did feel happy today, now it feels like I was lying to myself. And that is brutal honesty. I can't straighten anything else out enough to write it, so I guess I just have to go face my thoughts until I fall asleep.

Life In Possible Paranoia

Feels like I'm having a tragic girly downfall. But it's fair to expect him to text first sometimes, right? I'm not just being paranoid and clingy, I'm sure enough of that. Is a text too much to ask for? Apparently so. I guess it's stupid to sit and wonder if he actually cares at all. Especially since I'm sitting watching a dying rose, from Valentine's day, and wearing the bracelet he got me for no apparent reason. But gifts like that don't seem to mean anything when it's not backed by nice texts, or even just asking how I am. Honeymoon period's over folks. Maybe I'm just paranoid, or maybe it's downhill from here.
Enough relationship prattle. It's hardly the most important thing on the books right now. Books is actually where I'm at. School work is still a priority. School work along with HaBYT and playing volleyball actually is very time consuming. Right now I should be going through my lines for HaBYT. I better get to it really, or I'm sure I'll be in trouble over it tomorrow night. Sigh. Back to it.

Life In Schooling

It has mainly been a week of school. I go to school, I come home, and I do more school work. It's not an exciting life. So last night we spiced it up a bit. I went to see the Burlesque show. I was wondering whether it would just be blatent stripper porn stuff, or an actual good show. And thankfully it was the latter. The show, although it had nudity throughout, and did use some slightly cheap gags, was actually quite funny. Probably the least tasteful thing they did was having half the audience make origami vaginas, and half make origami penises. Then have everyone "make beautiful love" by throwing their creations to the other side of the audience. Slightly amusing, but rather worrying, idea. There were some good circus type things, the tissue and trapeze, which was good. Half naked people on trapeze is surprisingly funny. Overall it was probably a valuable experience, and certainly worth the crap I'm taking from mr director man for having a night off of HaBYT. That is very rich since he is now having two weeks off himself.

Life In Goodbye

Ten days since I last posted. The majority of the time has been school. My last subject is finally set, and it's not so bad. I'm taking food and nutrition which should be quite fun. I'm enjoying all my classes so far. Having a positive attitude towards everything really does make it so much better. Of course as usual I'm most interested in drama. I really like the play I'm working from, Wednesday To Come, but I think it will be quite a challenge to complete the task with it. I'll have to have a good think about it. In my head my bookwork is going well so far. I have pages worth of things to write down. I've just got to put it on the paper.
Thursday night I had habyt, and I like the play we are working on there too. It should be a good laugh when we get it all together. And friday was my valentine's date. We went to a movie then back to my house so we spent some good time together. It was rather nice. But he told me he forgot the gift he got me, he left it at home. I was think I'd have to wait at least another few days to see him and get it, but this morning I had a very pleasant surprise. He drove all the way to see me just to give me my valentine's gift. Which was a rose and box of chocolates. By far the best valentine's ever. Although he had to leave straight away so he could get to work.
Anyway, sorry Vicky but it's my turn to talk about MM. So if you don't fancy reading about him skip the rest of this post.
I had to say goodbye last night. He came round to see me and hang out for the last time for a while. We had a great laugh over a game of pool (I won, of course). It was very funny and I was enjoying the time with him so much. I knew goodbye was going to be hard but the closer it got the worse it seemed. After our game of pool we each got a text telling us to go to the 21st Max was at, so we decided we'd go along and join the party. Max, MM and I were hanging out and having a great time. But MM had to go meet another friend at probably about 11pm, so there it was. We all know he's not a big one for hugs but standing by his car just before he left we were definitely hugging. And I did not want to let go. Of course I had to though so after dragging out goodbye a little he was gone. Max and I went back into the party and I was dancing and having a lot of fun, but of course he was still on my mind. I am going to miss him very much. Texting just won't be the same, but we do both want to keep well in touch so texting and catching up if he's back for holidays will be important now.

Life In Year 13

I suppose I should update on how things are. I posted last monday so I am slacking a bit. I made sure to have a busy week but it'll be a test to remember what I actually did. Tuesday I believe was lunch with friends. The place we wanted to go to was only actually open at dinner so we ended up taking a walk down the road to a reasonably nice restaurant. I think it pushed our budgets a bit but it was nice for us to have a proper get together like that. Wednesday I think was when DBF came round in the evening and we watched a movie together. And in the morning I went to see It's Complicated with mum and a friend. It was a really good movie, definitely worth seeing. And after the movie I had a driving lesson. Can't wait for restricted now I can leave school during lunch and frees. Thursday I have no idea what I did. Probably nothing. And friday, Vicky, was course confirmation. Saturday I had work, then caught a ride to Napier to have drinks and stay over at DBF's. His parents, although they seem to like me, won't let me stay in his room. That meant an uncomfortable night on the couch, but I did have fun anyway. Sunday DBF gave me a ride to bowling for Kyla's birthday. I had a good time doing that. Hopefully we can arrange bowling with everyone again sometime soon. After bowling I went back to Kyla's and we screeched our way through a few songs on singstar before I went home and did nothing. I was exhausted by then.
This week it's been back into school things. Camp monday and tuesday. Despite getting soaking wet playing sport in the rain it was actually good fun. Tainui won camp shield. Great start to the year for our house. Wednesday was preparing to greet the year 9s, and thursday was the actual greeting and showing them round the school and playing team building type games with them. We also had house assemblies, and our chance to speak and let people see how we'd do as house leader. I would like to get it, I think it would be fun, but seen as it's mostly a popularity contest I doubt I will.
Today was the first day of lessons. I had two free periods since I still have a subject gap. Spanish by correspondence, I hoped, but that was rejected. We're applying again for level 2 now, rather than level 1. But I guess that will be rejected too and I'll be stuck doing chemistry. Another year of science when I'd hoped to drop it entirely. FML, I suppose. At least after school I had the retail therapy of spending $40 on fantastic high heels that I probably will only wear a few times.

Life In Days

Well, since last time I posted we've had mum's birthday, seeing DBF (that's darling boyfriend, Vicky), Napier trip, bowling, camping, shopping, work, BBQ.

Monday, mum's birthday;
I got her nice moisterisers/soaps/etc, plus a coaster with the quote "a home is not a home without a cat" on it, and a bar of novelty chocolate. Dad got her tickets to a concert for friday. My brother forgot. We all went out for lunch with some friends. That's reasonably average for mum's birthday.

Tuesday, DBF;
I was supposed to go to Napier, but we changed those plans to wednesday. When I told Sam he wouldn't settle for waiting that one more day to see me. He risked driving his car here. Mistake. Our fun of the day was the car not starting again once we went out. Thankfully we were only 2km away so walked home, and took dad back to get the car started later. This meant not risking turning the car off again, and Sam leaving then, around 4pm, rather than later as planned. I was looking forward to an evening to ourselves, but it ended up being an evening alone, as my parents were going out for dinner with friends. Despite not going quite as we intended, we still had a good day.

Wednesday, Napier;
I met a few friends and we got sushi, and wandered around the shops a little. I bought red short shorts, black longer shorts, and bright coloured board shorts. Great purchases. I saw DBF very briefly, as he drove past us and stopped to say hey. It was a good day, since I hadn't seen a couple of the friends I was meeting much these holidays.

Thursday, bowling, camping;
We were meant to go to splash planet, but it decided that was the day to bucket down with rain, so Moz thought bowling would be a good alternative. He was right. We had a great time. I'm not really very good at bowling so was pleased that in the first game I got 4 strikes and ended up 2nd out of our group of 8. The second game I sadly dropped to 6th. But my first score was 3rd highest overall, so I'm happy. I'll have to see if I can improve my skills on sunday, since Kyla's decided bowling would be good for her birthday.
That night everyone was meant to camp, but weather being a bit miserable most people decided not to. DBF and I went anyway, and texted for back up in the form of H (that can be for hippy, or for Harrison). H turned up with another Sam and we enjoyed drinks and sausages (or, bread, in my case) around a gas cooker. It was a good night.

Friday, shopping;
DBF and I dashed back to his house for showers, then tried to go to Napier to meet Kyla and shop. Car didn't start. We played mechanic, changed the latest part that he'd been told wasn't working. It was a pretty easy job, and personally I think I was the brains of the operation. He'd have done it wrong without me. Amazingly we did it right and the car started. We met Kyla, and hour later than planned. Still did some good shopping. Got a skirt, top, flip flops, bra and undies, discovered I really do have a thing for red right now. Played at the park for a bit, DBF's car wouldn't start again, so Kyla's aunt dropped him home, then Kyla and I back at Kyla's. I went home after that, since mum and dad had to get out for their concert, and spent another evening home alone. Well, with the cat. He's great company.

Saturday, work;
Expected to get grilled for not going last week. Boss hasn't said a thing about it though. Supervisor mentioned it, but it's not really his place so that doesn't matter. It was a busy day. We were out late. I was exhausted, but still got home and ended up going at the ab king pro, since I'm certain I've gained weight over the past few weeks. Another night in alone, as mum and dad had a meeting to go to.

Sunday, BBQ;
Mum and dad hosted a BBQ. There were 50 odd people and it was a good evening. I got suckered into making salads in the morning, and cleaning in the afternoon, ready for people to turn up at 4pm. I got lots of yummy food.

But of course, coming into today, that food meant feeling the need for more exercise today. Went for a cycle with dad. Sorted. Time for a shower and relaxing day before I try to spend every other day this week doing something, because next week school is going to steal that luxury of freedom I've enjoyed for what seemed like so long, but is now slipping away all too fast.

Life In My Head

I think life is best in my own little world. I see things in my own way. I laugh at things when others can't see the funny side. I think this is a good thing. At least it's some kind of reassurance that I'm my own person and not just part of the crowd.
I'm past the first big thing of the year. Big Day Out. It was good. I think it could have been better, but it was still an amazing trip. It was my first trip away unaccompanied. Just a friend and I. No parents. No teachers or other group leaders. I survived. I'm proud of myself for doing that. I had everything organised, I paid for all travel and accomodation, I did it all right. Go me. I congratulate myself. Top act of the day was Lily Allen for me. We were third row and she was a very class act.
The trip of course made me think a lot about myself and where my life is heading, and let's face it, I'm growing up. You know how parents say it seems like just yesterday their child was crawling around playing with blocks, as they help them move out of home? I feel like that. It doesn't seem so long ago that I was just a kid, playing with my friends. Money was only needed for sweets. No worries other than falling over and skinning various body parts, which I did have quite an amount of experience with. Now I have to start thinking about money to get me through university, and even deciding where to go and what to do for uni are big decisions. I'm bigger than I was as a kid, of course, but the world seems even bigger now. It's like it grew as I grew. More options and possibilities appeared each step of the way. I could be terrified by this, and sure it'd be nice to be a kid with no worries again, I think I can do it. I'm excited for the last year of highschool, and then uni and living away from home, and then bigger things past that.
I think I've rambled enough. I'll continue thinking in my head. Life's good there. I should know.

Life In Enjoying Simple Things

It's going well. I am enjoying myself. I commend myself for sticking to this resolution.

I've spent a little time with friends, but probably not enough. I've managed to hang out with a couple of friends, and go to a friend's BBQ, and to a party. I really should catch up with some other people. It will have to wait until next week though. After the big day out. I want to meet a few people, maybe for lunch. Or maybe organise a trip to splash planet or get people out to the river. Just anything to relax and catch up.
I've spent a lot of time texting Sam, some time on MSN and the phone, and a little time with him. It's all been great. Not even three weeks into dating, and he's winning by far. None of my other boyfriends have come close to treating me as well as he does. He's been away on holiday for a week, and is back there now. He came back for his friend's 18th, which we had a great time at. He bought me a watermelon and cut a hole in it and hollowed it out for me to drink from. Everyone at the party loved it, and I loved it. He also bought me a bracelet, from a store at the mount where he's on holiday, which has lots of beads you can make into jewellery yourself. The bracelet he made is really pretty. I'd love to go up to the mount for the day tomorrow, but sadly it's too close to BDO so I can't really.
I'm excited for BDO, and glad to be keeping up that resolution to enjoy myself. Of course not everything's perfect. I know some people haven't had such a great start to the year, but things can only get better. I have high hopes.