The week that has passed... well. Plenty happened. It was from pain to more pain. My fears all came true on sunday night. As much as I had been telling myself that he wouldn't cheat and the fear was empty, I was so so wrong. Everything fell apart as he broke up with me and I proceeded to take an hour to myself, to cry my way through an entire box of tissues. Nothing seemed good that night. I was devestated. I was shocked. I still am. I don't trust people easily, and I thought that he'd be a good person to test my trust on. I don't want to never trust anyone, so I let myself trust him, and I was just harshly reminded of why I don't trust people. Being betrayed hurts so much.
On monday people gradually found out. A few by saying things like how his little brother has his smile, without realising we'd broken up, then awkwardly being told by someone else standing with us what happened. It wasn't what they said that hurt, though. It was looking at his little brother, and seeing his smile there, because it is true. They share a smile. His brother is just as angry at him as I am, though. I am sure I'd have spent this week crying in my room if my friends weren't so great. Plenty of them have let him know how angry they are about what a jerk he was, and they've all been around to keep my spirits up. Even people I'm not very close to have been leaving me messages making sure I'm alright. Yesterday I went shopping, which really helped. Nothing like a bit of retail therapy, especially with Charlotte as a shopping buddy. Yesterday evening I managed to get myself really happy. Things like break ups make you appreciate your friends more, and I guess I was happy mine came through so well when it mattered.
Today I had work, and I actually looked forward to it as I knew that another good friend would be there to keep my spirits up. My work mates really are awesome. See, Scott and I usually spend our days making your face jokes about each other and various people's mums... So, I got round to letting my work mates know about the break up, and they were suitabley sympathetic. A while after I told them Scott said, "You know what's awful?" I made the stock answer, "Your face?" he ignored my joke and said, "No. Your ex." he was obviously thinking about how shit what happened was. That made me happy. It's good to know you're not alone.
I was meant to go to ocean spa tonight, and until today I wasn't look forward to it, but today I got to be really looking forward to it. Then I texted to check we were still going and my ride was still good.. yes, it was still on, but no, I couldn't get the ride they said I could. So, I am not about to make my parents go all the way to napier for me again and I am spending the evening home instead, trying to not feel like I'm missing out. That knocked me down again, though. Yesterday I was told that yes I had a ride. This is after being convinced I wanted to go, because it was meant to be a "couples" kinda night, planned before the stupid break up. I wasn't so keen on going as a single, but I was persuaded. My friend really wanted me there, so she said, but she can't have been that bothered since she apparently can't give me the ride which she said she could yesterday. I feel pretty shit again. I know it's stupid. One night's plans falling through doesn't change the fact of how awesome my friends are or anything... but I just can't seem to shift my bad mood. It's really awful. I feel alone, though I know I'm not. I don't like a lot of what has happened lately. I hope things will look up soon. I feel like I'm babbling, so I'll stop, and continue on an evening of feeling sorry for myself, because I don't feel like doing much else anymore.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Life In Pain
From scraped knees, to loss of life, to not getting a text from someone all day, or a spoiled lemon meringue pie, we have all been affected by pain. We experience pain, we watch pain as it happens to others, and share the pain of those we care about. Everyday, pain is in our lives. It is of course balanced by many good things, and accompanied by other bad things. I don't want to seem too negative, but the topic of this post essentially is pain, and a bit of disappointment, and despair.
It's been a week since I posted, so I'm going to think over the pain of the week that has passed.
When I last posted I was in a huge amount of emotional pain. I broke down over everything. Over the weekend things got a little brighter. I worked on saturday, then went to Connor's house. He has the most amazing house, which happens to have a climbing wall, fireman pole and slide in the front room. We had some great fun pole dancing. I insist, it is not slutty. It is fantastic exercise. The next day I felt the pain from this workout in my shoulders, as I worked again. After work Kyla and I went to see Abe. He spent most of the time sleeping, but that wasn't so bad. He's cute when he's asleep, and can't say anything offensive.
Monday was uneventful. Tuesday saw me being directed around for a photoshoot, as I agreed to model for Kyla's photography coursework.
Wednesday marked a month of my relationship with Abe, and me being hurt again. I feel like I may be overreacting, but he didn't seem very willing to be texting me, and when I texted to see if he would be able to keep me company in the few hours I had free he just didn't reply. I don't mind being told no, he's busy. I do mind being ignored. So, I spent that time at home reading instead, feeling pretty rejected. Then I went out to support Tiho, going to the fundraising concert at school. It was a great evening seeing the teachers, and students play. They're all so talented. I left with my spirits raised, feeling good and inspired.
However, Thursday was to leave me down again. Hadn't seen Abe since monday, which wouldn't have bothered me if he hadn't seemed so distant texting me. I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. Thankfully we arranged to meet in the small space between me finishing school and him starting work on friday.
I didn't have the best day on friday. Through school my classes were either uneventful, or in the case of enterprise stressful, and biology sickening. I was in such a foul mood at lunchtime I didn't really want to be around people, so just buried myself in a book with my ipod to block some of the noise. Leaving school I was thankful to meet someone I could happily walk with. After worm dissection, which I don't even want to get started on my opinion of, I felt so damn awful, but still knew my day would get worse. As we walked we didn't need to talk, the company was enough, but we chatted anyway. We had a really interesting discussion, and he walked all the way to the village with me. Unless he was working he went out of his way, which was nice. As I felt, it did get worse. I got a text to say that my ent partner had screwed up again. No surpirses there. Another problem which I would have to fix, and did, after seeing Abe was done with. I got to Abe's feeling slightly awkward. After the tension all week I didn't know what to expect. He didn't say anything though. He just hugged me, and we chatted about general things. Then he managed to upset me. I was really hurt by something he said, although he certainly didn't mean to hurt me. That was apologised for and forgiven, but there's still the other issue. I'm sure something isn't right, and I'm worried it is something to do with me. I wish he'd talk to me, but as it is I haven't heard from him all day. There is a certain pain to not getting a text all day, when that one text would make all the difference.
Another pain I felt today came from the pain of another. My parents went to dinner at a friend's house, and their contribution was to be desert. Mum made bread and butter pudding and lemon meringue pie. The pie took her a long time and turned out wonderfully, but then as she sat it down after removing it from the oven, the glove slipped, and a section of the crust was pushed back. I certainly know the awful feeling that comes from ruined baking after having spent so long on it, and this really was one of those moments. Mum looked shattered. Really, the pie was still intact, and everyone would enjoy it just the same, but she was clearly upset. I hurt for her. It seems like a trivial thing... but hey, the little things matter most.
It's been a week since I posted, so I'm going to think over the pain of the week that has passed.
When I last posted I was in a huge amount of emotional pain. I broke down over everything. Over the weekend things got a little brighter. I worked on saturday, then went to Connor's house. He has the most amazing house, which happens to have a climbing wall, fireman pole and slide in the front room. We had some great fun pole dancing. I insist, it is not slutty. It is fantastic exercise. The next day I felt the pain from this workout in my shoulders, as I worked again. After work Kyla and I went to see Abe. He spent most of the time sleeping, but that wasn't so bad. He's cute when he's asleep, and can't say anything offensive.
Monday was uneventful. Tuesday saw me being directed around for a photoshoot, as I agreed to model for Kyla's photography coursework.
Wednesday marked a month of my relationship with Abe, and me being hurt again. I feel like I may be overreacting, but he didn't seem very willing to be texting me, and when I texted to see if he would be able to keep me company in the few hours I had free he just didn't reply. I don't mind being told no, he's busy. I do mind being ignored. So, I spent that time at home reading instead, feeling pretty rejected. Then I went out to support Tiho, going to the fundraising concert at school. It was a great evening seeing the teachers, and students play. They're all so talented. I left with my spirits raised, feeling good and inspired.
However, Thursday was to leave me down again. Hadn't seen Abe since monday, which wouldn't have bothered me if he hadn't seemed so distant texting me. I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. Thankfully we arranged to meet in the small space between me finishing school and him starting work on friday.
I didn't have the best day on friday. Through school my classes were either uneventful, or in the case of enterprise stressful, and biology sickening. I was in such a foul mood at lunchtime I didn't really want to be around people, so just buried myself in a book with my ipod to block some of the noise. Leaving school I was thankful to meet someone I could happily walk with. After worm dissection, which I don't even want to get started on my opinion of, I felt so damn awful, but still knew my day would get worse. As we walked we didn't need to talk, the company was enough, but we chatted anyway. We had a really interesting discussion, and he walked all the way to the village with me. Unless he was working he went out of his way, which was nice. As I felt, it did get worse. I got a text to say that my ent partner had screwed up again. No surpirses there. Another problem which I would have to fix, and did, after seeing Abe was done with. I got to Abe's feeling slightly awkward. After the tension all week I didn't know what to expect. He didn't say anything though. He just hugged me, and we chatted about general things. Then he managed to upset me. I was really hurt by something he said, although he certainly didn't mean to hurt me. That was apologised for and forgiven, but there's still the other issue. I'm sure something isn't right, and I'm worried it is something to do with me. I wish he'd talk to me, but as it is I haven't heard from him all day. There is a certain pain to not getting a text all day, when that one text would make all the difference.
Another pain I felt today came from the pain of another. My parents went to dinner at a friend's house, and their contribution was to be desert. Mum made bread and butter pudding and lemon meringue pie. The pie took her a long time and turned out wonderfully, but then as she sat it down after removing it from the oven, the glove slipped, and a section of the crust was pushed back. I certainly know the awful feeling that comes from ruined baking after having spent so long on it, and this really was one of those moments. Mum looked shattered. Really, the pie was still intact, and everyone would enjoy it just the same, but she was clearly upset. I hurt for her. It seems like a trivial thing... but hey, the little things matter most.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Life In Losses
What do you do when it feels like nothing is alright? Apparently tonight what I do is break down and cry. I haven't really done that lately. I'm more likely to hit something and get over it, or run it out. But tonight none of that was going to work. My iPod and crying seemed to be the way.
I was arguing with my dad, and I walked out, because I can't stand it. I hate it. It doesn't matter what we argue about. Whatever I say I just get shot down. He doesn't really take in what I say, he just has to find a way to come back at me and make me "wrong." Tonight this started over me telling my brother to not call my undercooked brownie the "burn victim." I don't really appreciate my cooking being insulted, especially when it's in such a stupid way. But this led to me being told to be more tolerant of my brother, because he's not having it easy right now. WTF. My brother is a horrible, lazy person. He does nothing. He just stays at home all day, everyday. He doesn't help round the house. I spend most days at school, another day at work, and have one free day a week. I still manage to help round the house, not that anyone notices. But he's the one having a hard time. All I have lately is stress. But they're worried he's depressed and are telling me to go easy on him. I want to give up. I don't want all the stress anymore. I want to do the things I want to do, instead of worrying about school and other things all the time. It doesn't seem my parents realise how on edge I am, though. Apparently they are far more concerned about my brother, who most days doesn't get up in the morning. Things keep going wrong and I feel like there's nothing I can do. I can't believe the things I just heard from my parents' mouths. I got told not to slag him off, seconds after he was slagging me off and I asked him not to. Why does it feel like you can never win? Dad doesn't seem to think about what he says to me when we argue. He shoots right for where he knows it will hurt. Nice... coming from someone who is meant to always support me.
I was arguing with my dad, and I walked out, because I can't stand it. I hate it. It doesn't matter what we argue about. Whatever I say I just get shot down. He doesn't really take in what I say, he just has to find a way to come back at me and make me "wrong." Tonight this started over me telling my brother to not call my undercooked brownie the "burn victim." I don't really appreciate my cooking being insulted, especially when it's in such a stupid way. But this led to me being told to be more tolerant of my brother, because he's not having it easy right now. WTF. My brother is a horrible, lazy person. He does nothing. He just stays at home all day, everyday. He doesn't help round the house. I spend most days at school, another day at work, and have one free day a week. I still manage to help round the house, not that anyone notices. But he's the one having a hard time. All I have lately is stress. But they're worried he's depressed and are telling me to go easy on him. I want to give up. I don't want all the stress anymore. I want to do the things I want to do, instead of worrying about school and other things all the time. It doesn't seem my parents realise how on edge I am, though. Apparently they are far more concerned about my brother, who most days doesn't get up in the morning. Things keep going wrong and I feel like there's nothing I can do. I can't believe the things I just heard from my parents' mouths. I got told not to slag him off, seconds after he was slagging me off and I asked him not to. Why does it feel like you can never win? Dad doesn't seem to think about what he says to me when we argue. He shoots right for where he knows it will hurt. Nice... coming from someone who is meant to always support me.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Life In Asian
We have three Japanese students staying with us. Three of a group of eleven who we have had lots of fun with so far. They leave on wednesday. The house is going to seem so quiet and empty. I've not really had the energy for writing, with so much going on, so here goes a recap.
Thursday 30th July. Went to school. Went to drama. Went to work to have coffee and a chat with Scott. Went to Abe's mother's house for dinner. Went to Abe's dad's house. Watched a movie. Had drinks and played Quelf. Went home, sent Abe off to the pubs to continue celebrating his birthday.
Friday 31st July. Went to school. That's about all I remember doing that day.
Saturday 1st August. Went to work. Short staffed and busy. Great fun.
Sunday 2nd August. Japanese group arrive.
Monday 3rd August. Go to school and discover the wonder of adding "if you know what I mean" to everything. Evening to self. Watch Marley and Me. Cry. Bake a birthday cake whilst crying. Abe turns up. Watch Marley and Me again. Don't cry so much this time. Bake another cake as the first one fell apart. It was "one of those nights."
Tuesday 4th August. School. Connor's birthday. Ate the cake. BBQ with Japanese group. Abe joined us. House stunk of meat. Abe stunk of meat. No kisses there.
Wednesday 5th August. Wake up feeling ill. More productive day at home than I would have had at school. Good stress break.
Thursday 6th August. Skip school to go rock climbing with Japanese group. Half way up the wall thinking, "why did I skip school to do something that terrifies me?" I still hate heights. After lunch joined Abe. Watched a movie with him and Jack. Jack can't be left out, he stayed right by us all afternoon. Went home and Abe went to work. Played guitar hero.
Friday 7th August. Went to school. Argued with enterprise group. Gave in to enterprise group and made a trip to Hastings. Most productive part of trip is me getting coffee. Had dinner at pub, by which time a pub was a good place to be. Had well needed drink.
Saturday 8th August. Went to work. Went to the printer's. Made 100 books. Went to Abe's. Got proposed to on the way. Dressed up as a prostitute and went to a party. Got very drunk. Party got shut down. Went back to Abe's. Slept.
Sunday 9th August. Woke up feeling shit. Slept a bit more. Woke up feeling pretty good. Went to work for coffee and food. Met friends. Had smoothies. Went through car wash. Went home. Had a shower. Smelt nice. Had a business meeting. Good news: $1000 donation into project. Went home. Ate. Went to planetarium. Came home. Had a fight with a duvet. Typed.
Thursday 30th July. Went to school. Went to drama. Went to work to have coffee and a chat with Scott. Went to Abe's mother's house for dinner. Went to Abe's dad's house. Watched a movie. Had drinks and played Quelf. Went home, sent Abe off to the pubs to continue celebrating his birthday.
Friday 31st July. Went to school. That's about all I remember doing that day.
Saturday 1st August. Went to work. Short staffed and busy. Great fun.
Sunday 2nd August. Japanese group arrive.
Monday 3rd August. Go to school and discover the wonder of adding "if you know what I mean" to everything. Evening to self. Watch Marley and Me. Cry. Bake a birthday cake whilst crying. Abe turns up. Watch Marley and Me again. Don't cry so much this time. Bake another cake as the first one fell apart. It was "one of those nights."
Tuesday 4th August. School. Connor's birthday. Ate the cake. BBQ with Japanese group. Abe joined us. House stunk of meat. Abe stunk of meat. No kisses there.
Wednesday 5th August. Wake up feeling ill. More productive day at home than I would have had at school. Good stress break.
Thursday 6th August. Skip school to go rock climbing with Japanese group. Half way up the wall thinking, "why did I skip school to do something that terrifies me?" I still hate heights. After lunch joined Abe. Watched a movie with him and Jack. Jack can't be left out, he stayed right by us all afternoon. Went home and Abe went to work. Played guitar hero.
Friday 7th August. Went to school. Argued with enterprise group. Gave in to enterprise group and made a trip to Hastings. Most productive part of trip is me getting coffee. Had dinner at pub, by which time a pub was a good place to be. Had well needed drink.
Saturday 8th August. Went to work. Went to the printer's. Made 100 books. Went to Abe's. Got proposed to on the way. Dressed up as a prostitute and went to a party. Got very drunk. Party got shut down. Went back to Abe's. Slept.
Sunday 9th August. Woke up feeling shit. Slept a bit more. Woke up feeling pretty good. Went to work for coffee and food. Met friends. Had smoothies. Went through car wash. Went home. Had a shower. Smelt nice. Had a business meeting. Good news: $1000 donation into project. Went home. Ate. Went to planetarium. Came home. Had a fight with a duvet. Typed.
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