That Candlelit Feeling

Electric lights back on, another earth hour passed. I passed the time playing scrabble with mum. I won. =)
Candlelight always ends up leaving a calm feeling behind. This evening has been calm really. I've gone at my own pace, done things that I chose to do. Of course that means tomorrow is all homework that has to be done. I really have to finish my drama portfolio. Then the process starts all over again for the next assessment. Next year will be breaking the cycle, and I will be so ready for that change.

Making It

Do you think we could have made it, or will we make it on our own?
It would have been three months today. Realising that made me feel a little lonely, but in general I am so fantastically over it. That relationship was only causing me to be stressed and upset for the last two weeks of it. I'm glad that's all over. I've been so busy lately I haven't noticed the drop in stress, but I just know it's a big thing off my shoulders. I don't need it. I think relationships need to be on hold until I'm well settled in uni next year. That's not to say I'm entirely opposed to a relationship before next year. If someone nice asks, I won't say no. But I'm certainly not looking. This year at least, I'm making it on my own. By on my own, I mean with my fantastic friends.
Can't wait for a break.

There's not a lot to say...

I feel like I ought to update. There's not much to say though. It's been the same old things. I've been busy. It's kind of stressful, but I'll cope. I'm a little behind on things. Nothing ever seems to be done. I'm really looking forward to the holidays. NYDS will be awesome fun, but exhaust me. And then the second week is time to relax and catch up on everything that I've let slip.
Sheilah Winn is tomorrow. So is NCEA drama assessment. And a stats test. Everything coming at me all at once. I'm confident I can handle with the sheilah winn. I think I have my lines sorted for the drama assessment. I'm not 100% confident about it, but I should get by ok. Sunday will be dedicated to catching up on the drama portfolio, as sadly that can't be left until that second week of the holidays.
So now I better go to sleep, since I am so exhausted and tomorrow will definitely just kill me a little more.
As an after thought, I think I can safely say I'm over Sam. Any feeling towards him now is down to the occassional burst of anger.

How do we answer all the questions?

Do I miss him, or do I miss being in a relationship?
Do I miss the people that came with him more than I miss him?
Am I sad to have lost him, or sad to have lost my date for the ball?
Do I need to think about it, or do I just need time?
I think I do miss him a bit, but that will pass. And I probably do miss being in a relationship too, but there are loads of positives to being single. Being single gives me extra time. Time for friends, homework, schol. classes, and learning lines.
I definitely miss the people that came with him, but not more than him. His dad loves me and he's really fun, and his sisters are cool, so I'll miss the whole "family package" thing. And his friends are really awesome, but hopefully once we get past the awkward stage and into being friends I'll be able to see them again.
I'm definitely pissed that I now do not have a date for the ball. But I can hardly blame him for that. I'll just have to ask someone as a friend. Or hope someone asks me, though I don't really see that happening.
There, I've done enough thinking, now I can give it time.
Today I got class homework done, but that leaves schol. homework to do. It's a start at least. I also went to see Alice In Wonderland, and that was great. I really liked it. The chesire cat looks really awesome in it, along with lots of other cool things. I love love love Alice's dresses. I want them. That is all.

The End of a Chapter

All I want is for you to be happy,
And take this woman and make you my family,
And finally you have found someone perfect,
And finally you have found yourself.

I was right. All that worrying and wondering was not for nothing. It’s over. DBF came over last night. I knew why. He didn’t count on me already having Max round though, so it was just awkward hanging out for a while, until they decided to leave. Max left first so he should have said it then, but he chickened out. He told me he’d go on MSN when he was home, and he told me then. I told him I knew, and that I agree with him. There’s no energy between us anymore. And so DBF is not DBF anymore. We are going to stay friends, after a few weeks, to let the relationship leave properly.

I feel strange. I’m not really feeling very sad. I haven’t cried. I just feel like something’s missing now. Like I have to get used to this different way of living again, slip back into a single life. I’m a little angry, though I don’t see why. We both knew it would be stupid to hang on any longer. But I feel blank. I feel like I have nothing to do, and have no purpose. Which is stupid because I was never head over heels for him anyway. I liked him, but that was it. I didn’t depend on him for anything and I have lots to do too, and lots to work towards. Just that involves getting stuck into homework and I tried that and couldn’t focus for very long. I just can’t stop thinking about him, about how I feel about this.

I think I just need a little time to adjust really. It’s just a different feeling. Usually a break up means some strong feelings. I’ve had empowered, finally being free. I’ve had utter devastation and constant crying. But this barely feeling a thing is strange. I want to throw myself into working, but like I said, I can’t focus, so that doesn’t help.

The most I can do for now is start something new, to make up for losing something old, so to speak. All I can think of is to freshen up my blog. So bring on the new look.

Life In Stupid Human Behaviour

I hate how unaccomodating people can be. I had been enjoying a quiet evening, since all the family were out. Then not ten minutes after my parents arive home my dad had to do his obnoxious superiority thing. He's a fan of that. He turns on the TV, and puts some thing on and whoever's show it was says something about being told he wouldn't be able to be wherever he was without knowing the traditional method of slaughtering a sheep. As if that wasn't barbaric and disgusting enough, it then cuts to the sheep, and them taking one in a wheelbarrow, obviously about to teach whoever it was the slaughter method. I say, "Dad, can you turn it over?" and he doesn't even acknowledge I've said something. So I said louder, "Dad, turn it over." And oh, that got me noticed. He snapped at me not to speak to him like that and it's his telly and he'll change it if he wants to and whatever other crap he said. Of course all that was far ruder than I could have possibly come across asking for the channel to be changed... so, rather offended I got up and left. Then, as I walk down the hallway, I hear the channel change, so why could he not just accept my initial question and change it in the first place?
Vent over... More updates. After all my stupid worrying about my relationship I did what I should have done to start with. I told him about it. And he said he knows he hasn't been texting enough, he's sorry he's been busy, and he will make an effort to text more... and every day since I mentioned it he has texted. However next problem is that it's his birthday in four days and I have no clue what to get him and I'm not even sure if I'm going to make it to town to buy something. D=
More stupid human behaviour came from my supervisor at work today. He was apparently in a bad mood and apparently that means he can take it out on me. When I screw up an order or break something I can understand him being pissed at me... but when I am not only doing all my jobs but also teaching and helping a new girl with her jobs, and still managing to get everything done right, I don't think I should be the target for that. He has different ideas though as even when I wasn't the person to do a job I was the one being told about it being half-arsed or not good enough. It would have only made it worse to tell him he was being a jerk today, so hopefully he'll be in good enough a mood that I can do so next week. The least I can get for having such a shit day today is the pleasure of telling him, "You were a jerk for no reason, yes, you should now feel bad."