Slowing Down

Well, blog. I've abused you for about a month. Mostly because I feel like I never write anything worthwhile here, and I should write just for the sake of it.
I'm feeling at a strange point of the road. I feel unsettled here. Nothing feels purposeful, because my time in HB will be over in a few months. It's like this chapter of my life is closing, and I'm struggling to push through the last few pages. The main part of that being exams. I need to get through those, and pass well. Then christmas and new year. Hopefully my trip to england. Then only two weeks back in HB until the move on to university and a whole new place.
Everything feels out of place here. I hope I can feel settled again for the next few months, because feeling like this for too long could be damaging.

Burns and Bruises

He's not exactly a romantic, but has been known to say cute things.

That's what I had to say about D when a friend was asking about him. I think it is quite fitting. I'll take it, anyway.

So really the title of this one is a bit superficial. I burnt myself a few times past couple of days, most significantly scolding my fingers at work. And also have a bruise from Scott practically throwing a milk crate at me. This doesn't really bother me too much.

Really things are pretty decent right now. I have two weeks off to gather things back together. I can get my room cleared out, get some study done, catch up with some friends, and generally clear the head. I've been having fun, keeping up with 30DHS and spending time with D. All good stuff.

Tomorrow I get some quality mum time. We are going to Napier shopping to get out of the house after it gets fly treatment sprayed on it. Should find some cool things courtesy of mum's wallet and save my money for quality trips such as Burger Fuel and Ocean Spa with the girls, and the pubs on saturday.

I'm terrified.

Today it really hit me... just how scared I am to be hurt again. I don't want to distrust D, but it is so hard to trust when I've been betrayed so much before. My fear really sparked when he mentioned that this girl, J, was texting him, upset that he didn't go see her on saturday. Saturday was the second time he bailed on seeing her, because he changed his plans to see me instead. Twice he chose me over her, so why should I worry? I probably shouldn't... but I am so scared. I practically feel sick. What if he changes his mind, decides he is interested in her? Then what about me... left to cry away the pain again. He told me that she was texting him though. Does that mean I'm safe? If he was going to go after her, he wouldn't mention her to me, would he? I feel awful. I want to trust him but I can't help but wonder, what's he doing right now?
I don't want to be hurt again. Please let him not hurt me.

Too tired.

I'm tired and miserable right now. Of course I've been having a great time. I've had great luck and I had a wonderful birthday. And then there's D. I've been having such a nice time talking to him and getting to know him. However he's been keeping me up too late and I think there is my problem. That means I'm tired which means I'm becoming grouchy. So the second he teases me over something, well anything else wouldn't have bothered me, but is was the veg thing so it really did bother me. Seems he really has something against vegetarians. But I'll try to stay positive on that factor. If I can show him that we aren't strange and scary and that we don't eat gross food then maybe he will open his mind to vegetarians and avoid offending someone less patient than me. It's a bit confusing that he has something generally against veg*ns but I reckon it's just ignorance and I'm not going to let it bother me. And I'm not going to bother talking to him about it. I'm just going to be the positive image.
Bring on big wednesday results. Maybe my luck will continue.

Where's the cat when you need him?

I have had enough of people. I want to avoid people. That won't happen, but oh it is a lovely thought.
There are certainly too many people in my house, hence I'm in my room with the door locked. I wish the house was empty. Entirely. Parents out and all. But no, they have to have everyone here tonight.
Wellington was great. Really great. I am looking forward to university. I want to be there. I know I'll be broke, but that's ok. I can do it, and I will.
I loved both plays we saw there, particularly Marat/Sade at Toi Whakaari. They both had bath tubs in them, but there the similarities ended. Both amazing though.
Then... people. People that seem offended by ridiculous things. I talk about another guy to my male friend, he very soon says, "ok right I'm off bye." Just the kind of thing he'd do. Jealous sort. But he has a girlfriend, so I want to slap him for that reaction.
Another situation, I think I need team veg for. http://www.milkmyths.org.uk/health/index.php Just saying. More gems for STOS. More corperate brainwashing. More idiocy. More vegan zombies.
And the final thing... when you know someone has extremely reduced the dairy they consume, especially cheese, and you cook a dish specifically for that person, why would you put cheese in it? Sorry mum, I'm not eating that. Even the smell of the cheese is off putting, and there's fruit in the house that I'd much rather eat.
There's the rant. I do apologise that it's all I use this blog for these days, but why are people so stupid?

More Ranting.

I need to clear my head. Ignore my ramblings now.
I'm tired and confused and my knee hurts. I think I am stressing too much about the boy thing. We'll just go with D for simplicity. I'm pretty sure he'll turn out to be an utter dick. I have the feeling that if I persue this it will go wrong. But also I could be totally wrong, it could be worth a try. Or I could be worrying for nothing because he may not even be interested. I've been on msn to him, and I think we are both a bit tired and grouchy but I don't think the conversation has gone brilliantly. I'm annoyed about that.
And I'm super annoyed at Max. He is pulling dick moves again. I can't believe it. I am pissed off.
In the midst of all this is MM. He's pissed off over issues of his own, sure. But even with that, right when I most needed to hear something nice from someone, he reminded me I am one of his closest friends, and told me to not forget that. Thank everything for people like him.
I am so lost about everything. I can't wait for Wellington. I need all the chances I can to get away.

ETA: Mood swing, I feel much better now, like 2 minutes later...

Rant against Humanity.

Today I dressed up as Lara Croft and shot at people with a toy gun. This was fun, however I am sometimes pushed to the point where I wish the gun was real, and I had a line up of my most hated people.
This evening my outrage was at something on the news. A farm breeding pheasants, then releasing them into a park. The purpose of these pheasants? To be shot. The law here means that only the hunter can eat them. They can not be sold or given away. People were saying what a shame it was that they can't sell them and so many birds are just shot and left. How about you stop shooting the birds then? It is that fucking simple. How can anyone find killing something fun? It's barbaric. These people must be suffering from some sort of retardation or psychosis if they enjoy shooting a helpless bird.
Something that stunned me before was something that happened in drama. Walt throwing lollies at the class. This practically turned them savage as they chased the lollies attempting to get them before someone else did. It made me think of the Kiwi concept, lolly scrambles. Whilst most of the time we teach our young to share, not to snatch, and all that jazz... a lolly scramble is an occassion where the opposite is encouraged. Thinking about this baffled me. It's amazing, the little things that make people revert back to savage behaviours, when people seem to pride themselves on being civilised. People are disgusting.
In other news my cat spent a night at the vet. He's home now, with a new diet to try and prevent the same thing happening again. But he's off doing something and he's usually back for dinner by now. He does sometimes bugger off for a while, but it's a bit worrying when he's been ill. Hopefully he turns up soon.
So there you go. I hate humanity. I love my cat. Such is life.