Oh hey blog,

I'm cheating on you with tumblr. Sorry.

Summer days, wine, and gropage.

Summer days are my life now. No school, no work, very little money and Christmas approaching. It's all about socialising in the sun, with food and wine, and less appreciated, gropage. So far I've had nights of poetry, days at splash planet and in my garden, epic movie nights, and social pub trips. I'm sure there are many more of these days and nights to come. However there will be more blog abuse, because I simply don't know what to say here. I've had enough of using the blog to organise feelings or have an angry rant, and I don't think I have anything else to say. This is post 98. I will make posts 99 and 100, hopefully the 100th will be on Christmas day. Then when the new year rolls in I am going to see if I can revamp this and give it a new direction.

Slowing Down

Well, blog. I've abused you for about a month. Mostly because I feel like I never write anything worthwhile here, and I should write just for the sake of it.
I'm feeling at a strange point of the road. I feel unsettled here. Nothing feels purposeful, because my time in HB will be over in a few months. It's like this chapter of my life is closing, and I'm struggling to push through the last few pages. The main part of that being exams. I need to get through those, and pass well. Then christmas and new year. Hopefully my trip to england. Then only two weeks back in HB until the move on to university and a whole new place.
Everything feels out of place here. I hope I can feel settled again for the next few months, because feeling like this for too long could be damaging.

Burns and Bruises

He's not exactly a romantic, but has been known to say cute things.

That's what I had to say about D when a friend was asking about him. I think it is quite fitting. I'll take it, anyway.

So really the title of this one is a bit superficial. I burnt myself a few times past couple of days, most significantly scolding my fingers at work. And also have a bruise from Scott practically throwing a milk crate at me. This doesn't really bother me too much.

Really things are pretty decent right now. I have two weeks off to gather things back together. I can get my room cleared out, get some study done, catch up with some friends, and generally clear the head. I've been having fun, keeping up with 30DHS and spending time with D. All good stuff.

Tomorrow I get some quality mum time. We are going to Napier shopping to get out of the house after it gets fly treatment sprayed on it. Should find some cool things courtesy of mum's wallet and save my money for quality trips such as Burger Fuel and Ocean Spa with the girls, and the pubs on saturday.

I'm terrified.

Today it really hit me... just how scared I am to be hurt again. I don't want to distrust D, but it is so hard to trust when I've been betrayed so much before. My fear really sparked when he mentioned that this girl, J, was texting him, upset that he didn't go see her on saturday. Saturday was the second time he bailed on seeing her, because he changed his plans to see me instead. Twice he chose me over her, so why should I worry? I probably shouldn't... but I am so scared. I practically feel sick. What if he changes his mind, decides he is interested in her? Then what about me... left to cry away the pain again. He told me that she was texting him though. Does that mean I'm safe? If he was going to go after her, he wouldn't mention her to me, would he? I feel awful. I want to trust him but I can't help but wonder, what's he doing right now?
I don't want to be hurt again. Please let him not hurt me.

Too tired.

I'm tired and miserable right now. Of course I've been having a great time. I've had great luck and I had a wonderful birthday. And then there's D. I've been having such a nice time talking to him and getting to know him. However he's been keeping me up too late and I think there is my problem. That means I'm tired which means I'm becoming grouchy. So the second he teases me over something, well anything else wouldn't have bothered me, but is was the veg thing so it really did bother me. Seems he really has something against vegetarians. But I'll try to stay positive on that factor. If I can show him that we aren't strange and scary and that we don't eat gross food then maybe he will open his mind to vegetarians and avoid offending someone less patient than me. It's a bit confusing that he has something generally against veg*ns but I reckon it's just ignorance and I'm not going to let it bother me. And I'm not going to bother talking to him about it. I'm just going to be the positive image.
Bring on big wednesday results. Maybe my luck will continue.

Where's the cat when you need him?

I have had enough of people. I want to avoid people. That won't happen, but oh it is a lovely thought.
There are certainly too many people in my house, hence I'm in my room with the door locked. I wish the house was empty. Entirely. Parents out and all. But no, they have to have everyone here tonight.
Wellington was great. Really great. I am looking forward to university. I want to be there. I know I'll be broke, but that's ok. I can do it, and I will.
I loved both plays we saw there, particularly Marat/Sade at Toi Whakaari. They both had bath tubs in them, but there the similarities ended. Both amazing though.
Then... people. People that seem offended by ridiculous things. I talk about another guy to my male friend, he very soon says, "ok right I'm off bye." Just the kind of thing he'd do. Jealous sort. But he has a girlfriend, so I want to slap him for that reaction.
Another situation, I think I need team veg for. http://www.milkmyths.org.uk/health/index.php Just saying. More gems for STOS. More corperate brainwashing. More idiocy. More vegan zombies.
And the final thing... when you know someone has extremely reduced the dairy they consume, especially cheese, and you cook a dish specifically for that person, why would you put cheese in it? Sorry mum, I'm not eating that. Even the smell of the cheese is off putting, and there's fruit in the house that I'd much rather eat.
There's the rant. I do apologise that it's all I use this blog for these days, but why are people so stupid?

More Ranting.

I need to clear my head. Ignore my ramblings now.
I'm tired and confused and my knee hurts. I think I am stressing too much about the boy thing. We'll just go with D for simplicity. I'm pretty sure he'll turn out to be an utter dick. I have the feeling that if I persue this it will go wrong. But also I could be totally wrong, it could be worth a try. Or I could be worrying for nothing because he may not even be interested. I've been on msn to him, and I think we are both a bit tired and grouchy but I don't think the conversation has gone brilliantly. I'm annoyed about that.
And I'm super annoyed at Max. He is pulling dick moves again. I can't believe it. I am pissed off.
In the midst of all this is MM. He's pissed off over issues of his own, sure. But even with that, right when I most needed to hear something nice from someone, he reminded me I am one of his closest friends, and told me to not forget that. Thank everything for people like him.
I am so lost about everything. I can't wait for Wellington. I need all the chances I can to get away.

ETA: Mood swing, I feel much better now, like 2 minutes later...

Rant against Humanity.

Today I dressed up as Lara Croft and shot at people with a toy gun. This was fun, however I am sometimes pushed to the point where I wish the gun was real, and I had a line up of my most hated people.
This evening my outrage was at something on the news. A farm breeding pheasants, then releasing them into a park. The purpose of these pheasants? To be shot. The law here means that only the hunter can eat them. They can not be sold or given away. People were saying what a shame it was that they can't sell them and so many birds are just shot and left. How about you stop shooting the birds then? It is that fucking simple. How can anyone find killing something fun? It's barbaric. These people must be suffering from some sort of retardation or psychosis if they enjoy shooting a helpless bird.
Something that stunned me before was something that happened in drama. Walt throwing lollies at the class. This practically turned them savage as they chased the lollies attempting to get them before someone else did. It made me think of the Kiwi concept, lolly scrambles. Whilst most of the time we teach our young to share, not to snatch, and all that jazz... a lolly scramble is an occassion where the opposite is encouraged. Thinking about this baffled me. It's amazing, the little things that make people revert back to savage behaviours, when people seem to pride themselves on being civilised. People are disgusting.
In other news my cat spent a night at the vet. He's home now, with a new diet to try and prevent the same thing happening again. But he's off doing something and he's usually back for dinner by now. He does sometimes bugger off for a while, but it's a bit worrying when he's been ill. Hopefully he turns up soon.
So there you go. I hate humanity. I love my cat. Such is life.

Return To Walton's World

Year 13 Drama Trip. An event which was certainly looked forward to.

Fun. Valuable. Exhausting.

Of course it was fun. We had many good laughs. Playing KFM and Would You Rather in the girls' dorm was good fun. Shopping was great fun.
It was valuable seeing the shows. I enjoyed both of them. The acting was pretty high quality and they both had interesting ideas. I think if the right questions come up in the exam they'll be great for writing about. The most valuable part of the trip however was the visit to Toi. I was so tempted to apply this year, but didn't want to miss out on doing English. Going to Toi confirmed to me that it would be an amazing experience, but also that the experience can wait til after I experience university. I'll be 21 when I start there that way, and that isn't a bad age to be starting at Toi.
It was exhausting because we spent two very long days, and the third day although not long it was travelling and that is tiring in itself.
Now I am on sheep watching duty because one of the old girls, Rosie, is seeming pretty ill. We have had to help her up a couple of times. Possibly pneumonia. Not sure she'll make it through the night really. It's sad because you can tell she's trying really hard to keep going but she's just so weak. Poor girl.

One of Those Days

Say goodbye, to the world you thought you lived in.

Today I got punched in the head (by a friend, it was an accident). Now I have a headache. I feel pretty crap. I think HaBYT will have to be given a miss tonight. I just don't feel up to it.
Apparently I also got called a slut. Fucking whoopee. 
I should get homework done, but all I really want to do is lay down and sleep/ponder how crap humanity is.
What a crap day. English + lunchtime were the good parts. Besides that, shit.

Slob and Bruises

I don't feel like there's a creative bone in my body right now, so who knows why I'm writing. But anyway.
The skiing part of going skiing wasn't so great, since the snow was a bit thin so it was rocky, and it is school holiday so it was too busy. The being out of Hawke's Bay was good though. I definitely look forward to Wellington in August.
Eye candy was definitely good on the slopes. That was fun. Haha. What a laugh.
This is such a total rut. I need to get my work done for school. I only really have sunday left for that though. That's such a bloody shame because there is a lot of it to do.
Another positive is at some point next week I am so going for a facial next week. My work mate gave me a 50% of voucher to a beauty salon so I figure I might try out that luxury.
Another negative is my jerky friend in Aus. He's not talking to me. Which I don't quite understand because it surely should be the other way around. I'm always too nice to him. He's frequently a total dick. So I should be not talking to him. But, you know. I flick between happily chatting with him, angrily grilling him, icily ignoring him and unreasonably ending up talking to him again. Loop goes on. Seems to work for us.
MM is a half positive. He's totally an awesome friend. The half negative is that he is in Chch.
A major positive is I have spent most of the past two days on the couch watching Outrageous Fortune season 5 on DVD. It has been the nicest slobby experience. Aside from that I did go for a walk with Bianca yesterday so the slobbing has been balanced out.
I have to work tomorrow. Not a happy thought but I do need the money so positive face on for that one. A negative on that front though is I managed to roll my ankle an hour or so ago and it really hurts. In the process of falling as my ankle rolled I bashed my knee on the coffee table, so have a nice bruise there. I am sure that will be fun and painful at work.
For feeling uncreative, I think this is a good long post.

This Ain't A Love Song

I love love love that song right now.

And I'm a little bit lost without you,
And I'm a bloody big mess inside,
And I'm a little bit lost without you,
This ain't a love song,
This is goodbye.


I'm still suffering from goodbyes and being stuck in this dump. And being under 18. I just want to get out tonight, but don't think anyone's doing anything other than pub. So not only am I stuck in this wee town, I'm stuck home with nothing to do on a saturday night. So iPod on and seclude myself.
I hate this. I consciously know things are good, but I still don't feel happy. All I am looking forward to is skiing next week, Wellington in August, England in Dec/Jan, Wellington next year... see a theme here? Not in H.B. I am so over this place. I'm not sure what's keeping me sane.

Whole Lot Of Leaving Going On

What is this goodbye crap? They say the world is a smaller place these days, but as I am stuck in Hawkes Bay the world feels huge. And here I am. Stuck here. I need to get out. I feel so trapped here... and everyone seems to be drifting away.
Julia, then Connor, then Elles... all pretty sad goodbyes. And I won't see them until the end of the year, fingers crossed I see them then... Yet, sad as those goodbyes were. The goodbye just now was harder... and he's only going to the bloody south island. It's just... he was only here for three weeks, and it feels like I barely saw him in that time. I saw him so much last time he was back so it was really great. This time was shitty.
I better go skiing next week, or I'll go totally mental. I can't stand to stay here without at least a little break, and the mountains will be the perfect getaway. I am so over HB right now.

Just a few words.

It has been a funny time lately. What with parents being away, and everyone leaving. It's really strange. Really just one last goodbye to go with Elles on wednesday. Other than that sad occassion I hope I will have a really good holiday. Though, I already picked up two extra shifts at work, and have to do my drama and food work... hopefully I will feel like I've had some kind of break. I had such a good time on our girls day out yesterday. More days like that would make a brilliant holiday.

Better Start Saving, Girl

 Things in life do often seem backwards, and sometimes that can be hard to get your head around. One of those things just came up. I mention my pending trip to the UK at the end of this year and get told I shouldn't be trying to set something like that in stone as there may not be the money for it. Well, it is set in stone already. On a personal level, I have to go. I've got to go home before moving on to uni. I miss it so much there's no way I can push a trip back even further away. So, whether they want to put any money towards the trip or not, I'm going. If I have to pay for the whole thing myself, I will.
So, to the point of the backwards bit. When I ask for money to help me I get told not to count on it. When I tell them to stop paying for things they keep paying for more. Particularly Sydney trip. I asked them to pay for my flights, but was going to pay for everything else myself. All I ended up paying for was my shopping. Again for England, I'm only asking them to pay for the flight, but apparently even that could be too much.
I know I shouldn't expect them to pay for anything, but it is hard not to, considering the amount they have paid for my brother, and the fact he doesn't do anything to deserve it. Even when he has money of his own he spends it on junk and things like an xBox which makes me want to smash said xBox over his head. So he's shit broke and has to pay 70 pounds rent a week as well as buying food, so you don't need three guesses to figure it's the parents paying for that. They paid for him to fly back to England. They paid for EIT courses which he never even completed.
Not wanting to blow my own horn, but I on the other hand, am completing highschool (more than he did), whilst holding a job and building up reasonable savings, rather than spending money I don't have on stupid things like an xBox. I feel like a horrible person for even being upset that I may not get that flight paid for, but when I look at the bigger picture and see how my brother is I feel like a damn saint.
Anyway, time to grin and bear it. I'll just have to tighten the wallet a bit more and probably end up as an even poorer uni student than I initially anticiapted next year.
Today has been a bit crappy anyway. I suppose it was coming after having such a good week until today.

Sometimes I wonder

Today was a bit of a day of good deeds for a friend and I. Unfortunately it was his good deed that lead to the need for my good deed. Yes, Vicky, Henry ran out of petrol, 3km from the village. So I got a text when I'm sitting in english, about to leave for a photo, saying can I please pick him up. So after the photo I did pick him up. Leant him $10 to put some fuel in his car, then it wouldn't start anyway so he went with the call AA option. Silly Henry. So I do wonder why he bothered being nice to you in the first place Vicky. Should have hugged you, then told you to harden up. :P Oh, and, I hope you're feeling better. Now, let's move on from this post sounding like a letter to Vicky.
I also wonder... well. I have a friend who's not in the best place, so I do try to be very nice to him and not criticise... but really. Today I ask on MSN, "How are you?" and he was annoyed. Why? WoW had some sort of glitch that messed up his add-ons. I just can't fathom that. A life revolving round an online game? Very sad. But of course I'm not about to have a go at him about it because I really don't want to make him feel worse. He really needs to feel good enough to go out and do something real. I hope it happens soon.
Other than that, another good day. Things are happy happy right now. =]

Life is good today.

Today has been so absolutely lovely. It wasn't perfect. It was far from it. It was just so... balanced. Not one of those days where something good is totally forgotten because something else went so horribly wrong. A day where I can see what was good and what was bad, and feel good at the end of it all.
I got up and went to school. NZ draw with Italy. Very happy. Stats was boring and I didn't do a lot. I balanced that in study by getting my english homework done and feeling satisfied that was out of the way, and I still had a little time left to relax in the sun.
Then food wasn't quite as planned. No available computer rooms, so after about 15 minutes I had intended to spend in the food room I was left with very little to do. Drama also relatively non-productive, but not bad.
Then at lunchtime I was slightly disappointed that Uta couldn't meet us, but that was easily made up for by the lunch being nice, spent with just a couple of friends. A bit of relaxing. Then back to school. English, which is good right now because I am enjoying reading The Islands of Silence.
After school it's off to hang out with Ob. and James, since I'm kind and it's James's birthday. We meet up with Ob. and go to town. I bought cream for my cold sore, the most ongoing downside of today. We went and played pool, had drinks at Breakers. I chat with SG which was nice. Text Uta and it took a long time happening. It was a painful wait. But he finally made it to meet us. Then the best hug ever commenced. I had to share the hug, but it was the most wonderful moment still.
Then sad moment, James and I leave for rehearsal. Fastforward through Walton's World and annoying rehearsal, to leaving rehearsal half an hour early. I sit in the car for ten minutes texting trying to arrange meeting Ob. and Uta again. Success, so I drove to Ob.'s We have a huge talk about Shakespeare and HaBYT. Then Uta arrives and we have these huge deep maybe mildly disurbing from the outside discussions. And that was such a highlight. The things we share are so crazy and it's so comfortable talking to eachother. We're all so close and it's so brilliant to have friends that talk to you like that, and you can talk to like that. Then Uta says, "Oh who gave you that necklace?" I tell him, "Oh I dunno, some wanker." then realise it had cracked again and broken worse than before. He said, "Well if some wanker gave it to you at least you don't need to feel bad about breaking it." Promised I was finding the super glue the moment I got home. I treasure that necklace, like I treasure the friendship.
Then it's 9.30 and they go to pick up James and I go home. Driving home first I see a hedgehog, and I brake, and swerve round it. A little further along there's a rabbit in the road. He was a big handsome bunny. I stopped. He seemed confused by the headlights and hopped back and forth in front of the car a few times before getting out of the road. Nearer home I see a hedgehog sized shape ahead so slow down, and drive around it, only to see the other side is bloody. The hedgehog was already dead. That was rather sad. Then driving along my road I looked up, and saw a fabulous shooting star. It was like a wonderful seal to this day. Today was not spectacular, but it feels significant. I learnt things today. I was reminded of things today. Life is good today.

Please ignore the next few lines...

because they're directed at you.

"Is something stressing you out?"
"Yes, you."

Or at least, that's what I wanted to say. But even I know sometimes it is the time to bite your tongue, and instead say, "No, I'm just at the sick of this play stage." Lots of plays have that stage. Even the plays you end up loving the most, you hated them for a while.

With this play, it's a pretty glorious hate stage. Or should I say with this director?
"You have to be able to work with various directors."
Daniel, Alan, Ken, Kelly, Claire, even Vicky. You don't seem to see, the problem is you.

I said to him, "Just one thing.. when you say you won't interrupt the scene this time... Don't." Please say he listens.

Because I'm just a little girl you see,
But there's a hell of a lot more to me,
Don't ever underestimate what I can do,
Don't ever tell me how I'm meant to be.

Sometime's I feel you're not listening.

The teacher driving me insane aside, one other irritating people mini rant. Currently I have a friend, who as a rule seems to like me a lot and be very nice. But yesterday he was untalkative. I asked why. He told me to leave him alone and not talk to him, because he doesn't like me.
Say what?
But no. He has no explanation for this out of the blue hatred. I can happily say goodbye and move on. I just wonder why.

Watch out world. I won't just be a voice in the crowd.

The Ups and The Downs.

Well lately things have been up and down. There have been severe lows. The being really sick lows, and the being really sad lows. The coughing keeping you up til early hours of the morning. The crying keeping you up til early hours of the morning. Feeling so sick and weak you can't stay standing. Feeling so helpless and depressed you can't stay standing.
But we know things go in cycles and waves. What hits rock bottom always climbs back up. There have been highs. There has been knitting and watching Mary Poppins. There has been dancing, partying and beer pong. Which was sure a fantastic night. There has been rain, but now there is sun. Figuratively and literally.
Parents get back next week. I look forward to spending a bit of time with them, before they set off again, for Sydney. Lucky buggers. I just have Wellington to look forward to. Twice. =]